Feelings of uncertainty

It can come out of nowhere. I’m humming along, invested in what I’m making. I am in the groove and knee deep in creation. Then…wham. It could be an Instagram or Facebook post or newsletter touting another artist’s accomplishment, an announcement for an exhibit from which I got rejected, an artist’s solo show at a museum. It can seem like every other artist I know is succeeding. Feelings of uncertainty and insecurity flood me and my green-eyed monster roars back. As do the voices. “I’m not far enough along. I’m missing something. Why didn’t this happen for me? My work isn’t …(fill in the blank)…good enough…conceptual enough…contemporary enough. Immediately after these feelings cascade in, I start to feel childish and petty. Small. This is quickly followed by annoyance and shame.

I am genuinely excited

I am genuinely excited for my artist friends and peers and happy they are achieving their goals. I do not like the sensation of envy. Green does not look good on me. So I try to become curious about what is actually triggering my green-eyed monster. Getting curious allows room to evaluate what is underneath those unwelcome feelings of envy.

I believe that underneath it all is a nagging fear there is not enough to go around. A belief of art success scarcity and therefore another’s achievement could take away the chances for my own. Perhaps because art is a second career for me, I often think there is not enough time…to learn about all I want to learn about, to create all I want to create. I feel a perpetual sense of “catch-up.” I realize this is self-inflicted but it is no less powerful.

I am constantly comparing myself to artists whom I admire that are several rungs up from me on the art career ladder (so to speak). My immediate reaction is not to consider what I have accomplished, the goals I have already achieved, but to feel a longing and desire for that next step. Chances are other artists are looking at my posts and having the same reaction to them! It is all so relative!

I figured out some good questions to ask myself when I feel that green creeping in:

-Do I actually want that thing (travel 6 month abroad, NYC representation), and how would it serve my art goals?

-What is it that I find enviable, attractive, desirable (critical attention, venue, audience access) and how does that ft in with my work?

-What steps did the artist take to achieve this opportunity and is my work a “fit” for something like this? Is my work of the same caliber?

-What are concrete things I need to do to get to that point?

-How is the fear of missing out and my own competitive nature getting in the way?

Most importantly…what quiets my monster?

Interestingly, during shelter-at-home orders I found a true freedom and expansiveness in exploration. There were no posts about exhibits I “should” see, no guilt about the networking I was supposed to be doing, no deadlines of work needed for a specific theme or exhibit. Apparently the fear of missing out (FOMO) is a side-kick to my green eyed monster! That FOMO can really do a number on me. It can catapult me off in an unintentional direction, a detour that takes time and effort away from where I want to be with my work.

Forced pause brings new materials

As a result of the forced pause I started a number of deeply felt, material based pieces that I am very excited about. I have no idea where they might be exhibited, what they will end up becoming. I just know they feed me, allow me to create simply to create, and to follow ideas and materials into the unknown.

I grew up a “good girl” and got lots of positive rewards for being that. Letting go of the “shoulds,” the guilt, the better do this or that, the ideas of what art “success” looks like, is ongoing work for me. Yet it is well worth it if I am to create the raw, complicated and beautiful work I wish to.

Success, by whatever definition is a moving target. So notes to self: limit social media strolling, interrogate the “shoulds,” make and make some more, follow the materials and concepts, authentically celebrate others’ accomplishments.

Last but not least…Don’t feed the monster!

*in deference to this topic all finished artwork was created on patinated copper… which happens to be one of my very favorite shades of green!

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